so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Randomize
