There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
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