Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
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Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
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I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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