I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
