Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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