ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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