I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
It was confusing and full of hummus
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I think your dad took our porno
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
