he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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