i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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