I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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