This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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