my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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