dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
