We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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