I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
