i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Randomize
