I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
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