Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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