Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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