dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
