well I can't set my house on fire every night
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
