She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
