Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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