There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
