So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Randomize
