can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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