no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
