woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
