I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I love how my cats smell like pot.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it