I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
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He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.