I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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