KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
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