I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
