I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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