I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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