I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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