I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
