and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
