I cannot find my penis.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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