I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
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When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
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Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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