I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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