Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
