I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
