There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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