Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
There are leaves in my underwear?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
