Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
