If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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