You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
