I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I supernannyed him into submission
Randomize
