K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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