I love black thongs
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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