I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
