I smell stomach acid.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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