Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
