I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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