I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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