too bad you live with your parents still
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
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i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
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I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
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