so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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