I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
Randomize
