even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
my shit smells like andre
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
